Chipotle Beans

It was Kismet--meant to be. Saturday morning, after turning on the TV for the kids, I got a hankering for some spicy beans. Cammy and I are chilihounds; we love both the red and green iterations of spicy beans and meat. Breakfast had already been served and cleared up, and I was savoring the last cup of Starbucks coffee out of the thermos. I chopped some onions and garlic and tossed them into the Le Creuset cast iron dutch oven that already held the slowly-warming mogette beans and water.

I went to check on the kids in the other room, kind of curious what Saturday Morning Cartoons in Luxembourg looked like. I remember my cartoon watching days vividly: Bugs Bunny and Friends, Captain Caveman, Scoobie Doo and many more. What had just started up was in French, and was morbidly fascinating.

I didn’t catch the title, but here is the gist of the plot. The heroes are two high schoolers, boy and girl, who go to class and make good grades. But beneath at mild mannered exterior lurk two undercover superheroes. Fighting for truth, justice and the...French way, I guess. Not so much in the way of muscles and tights, though they do have cool costumes; more like science nerds gone heroic.

They go to school one day and and notice that everyone is walking around like dazed zombies. More importantly, everyone is farting. Constantly. That’s right--teachers, administrators, fellow students--all are unselfconsciously blasting forth with mighty flatulence. The puffs of gas coming out of their backsides are purply-brown in color, and for a long while there is almost more theatrical fart noise than dialogue.

Naturally, as a closet Three Stooges fan, I was immediately hooked. The crudest cartoon of my childhood might have had a burp. Maybe. I left the beans in the kitchen to talk among themselves and settled down to watch this horror show of indigestion.

The dynamic duo do a lot of clever sleuthing and discover that there is something strange about the new school cafeteria cook. First of all, he is not very good, just glopping things onto their serving trays. For French sleuths, this had to be the first giveaway. The yellow glop might be a lovingly prepared bearnaise sauce, but I doubt it, given his surly attitude, general slovenliness and cigarette (no doubt a Gauloise) hanging out of his mouth. Did I mention that this was a French cartoon? The second giveway was the large squirt of ketchup (or catsup, we can argue about that later) with which he decorates each dish. Not only would a French chef NOT top off his creations with ketchup, he would not serve a ketchup named “FLATSUP”. That’s right, flatulent ketchup! Oh, how the insidious villains of today have raised the bar on evil! In no time, the school corridors are enveloped in a stinking purple-brown haze because of Flatsup.

Well, more sleuthing uncovers the Flatsup manufacturing plant, where two things give our heroes pause. The first is the thousands of bottles of Flatsup being churned out almost automatically. The second is the guy managing production, who is...the school cafeteria cook! Wait, no. Dozens of cafeteria cooks, all identical, all with glowing red eyes. They’re apparently terminator robot cooks, and they’re after our heroes. (See how just watching a cartoon without understanding the language clears away the clutter of annoying banter, leaving just the crystal clear plot behind?)

The intrepid investigators escape. Whew! They proceed to find the evil mastermind’s lair. He is a purplish-brown, obese lumpy creature who flits around in a little domed hovercraft, much like the character Baron Harkonnen in the movie “Dune” (starring Kyle McClachlan and Sting!). He carries around his own purplish-brown fartmosphere with him. When confronted by the teen heroes, he tells the sad tale of how he used to be a normal kid growing up in suburban France. His older brother would constantly subject him to fart torture, such as the much loathed “dutch oven” (not the Le Creuset kind, but the fart under the blankets kind). In time, he couldn’t breathe normal atmosphere anymore. So he started to plot for the day he could, 1) turn the Earth’s atmosphere into a more breathable purplish-brown smelly murk that he could enjoy; and 2) how he could get revenge on his mean brother, now a balding executive in a downtown office building who had forgotten all about his little brother.

Well, to cut to the chase (thankfully), the teens foil this nefarious plot. They defeat the heinous hovering farty blob...man. They expose the hazards of Fartsup to the light of day, and to the administrative authorities at their high school. And they save the air of France for more healthful Gauloises.

After this intestinal masterpiece ended, I went back to the kitchen, newly inspired to make not just a pot of beans, but a pot of Great Beans. Beans of Substance. Beans that would clear the decks and arouse...whatever needs arousing. Beans that would warm your tummy until lunch and maybe all the way to dinner.

These are those beans. No Flatsup required. Enjoy.

Chipotle Beans

2 cups dried white beans (mogette, flageolet, or Navy)

4 cups water

4 cups chicken stock

1 cup diced bacon

4 cloves garlic, sliced

2 onions, sliced

1 cup small mushrooms, quartered
2 tablespoons canned chipotle pepper in adobo sauce

1 tablespoon sundried tomato paste

1 teaspoon oregano

1/2 teaspoon salt, or to taste

12 teaspoon black pepper

1 bay leaf

First of all, these measurements are rough, as most batches of chili are. Some eyeballing is required. Add all ingredients into cast iron dutch oven. Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer. Let simmer for about 6 hours, until beans are tender and liquid is reduced to a thick sauce. Add liquid or other above ingredients as needed for flavor and consistency.

Serve hot. Adjust spiciness as needed with Cholula Chipotle Hot Sauce (or Tabasco).